The Zoo-Week 1

Day 1-Tuesday: I was up at 5:30 with a detailed plan on the 45 min walk, followed by which buses I would take and which metro stop I had to get off at. Conveniently the bus didn't show up so by 7:20, exasperated, I got a taxi to the closest metro station and arrived late for the first day of work. It was a bit of an anti-climactic day, because after dreams of wrestling lions and chasing gorillas I was placed in Children's World, inhabited by rabbits, ferrets and a miniature horse named Hobbit. The work I did for the two weeks was all manual labour, such as sweeping or picking up poo, but I was perfectly happy doing that as I find it to be very fulfilling work. Shattered at the end of the first, this bloody woman who I volunteered with that day wouldn't let me leave and started taking me around in circles looking for someone who was actually at the front gate the whole time. Finally, "Eddy' popped his head around the door, grinning, and gave a very enthusiastic "HEY!". All that was in fact just for a hello.
Day 2: Spent the day at the giant tortoise exhibit with Hafiz, raking damp leaves off sand for 8 hours whilst a bonfire raged. The piles of leaves I constructed gave me great pride, but one tortoise, whom I named Lucifer, kept coming and eating part of them, then lying on them and sometimes defacating on them, thus ruining them. I had a few physical encounters with him, but he was unstoppable. I also found out that I had to pay if I wanted to work with apes, to my great disappointment.
Day 3: Savannah exhibit with my buddy Zaid. It was ridiculously hot, even in the shade, and I got a nice sunburn and heat rash. I was dealing with a pregnant giraffe who charged at me when I entered her pen. After my first escape, we ended up getting along quite well because I was cleaning up her poo and feeding her leaves. I also fed some bulls, walking along a wall whilst balancing large bundles of grass which I would throw down to them, hoping I didn't fall in. Finally we fed some camels, who were very feisty and kept rearing up. I found it very amusing because Zaid (the keeper) got very cross and was shouting "SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN." at one of the bewildered camels.
Day 4: Lions and tigers. I forgot that I was allergic to cats so was sneezing all day but it was still awesome. They were all enormous and super aggressive but amazing to be with. The tigers were actually stalking me, like a cat with a mouse. Yes, that would make me the mouse in this situation. I spent a lot of the time cleaning their night quarters (which were sadly in very bad condition). One lovely and gigantic female without a tail called Ella was trying her best to eat me as I cleaned up the cage next to her, and when she realised this was fruitless she rolled onto her back and showed me with her paws what she would do to me when she caught me. When they were fed it was awe-inspiring. The male tiger was a good head taller than me when he stood up and the alpha lion was even more impressive, roaring away with all his muscles bunched up. I felt his roar go right through me. He also managed to consume 8 kgs of chicken in just over 5 minutes. I noticed in my day with the lions that they are ferociously sexual beings as the male was uncontrollably aroused and constantly mating with one of the females. They are cleverer and more social than tigers but tigers are actually stronger and faster, and can jump 30 feet in one go.
All in all it was a shattering week, in which I lost 2 and a half kilos. We were going out for tea every night which was fun and although not the most comfortable, I was perfectly content sleeping on the floor. One inconvenience was the typical Malaysian replacement of loo paper with a hose. I refused to do this, not because I am closed-minded and didn't want to try something new, but because I genuinely do not believe this method to be effective. Needless to say, I restrained myself all week.

The Zoo-intro

Because my adventurous soul was getting a little restless, I decided to spice things up a little bit. Speaking of spice, I continuously tried in vain to improve my tolerance and after months of profuse sweat and burning mouth, I remain intolerant of Asian spice. One day, after lunch I ate a big green chilli ("chilli paddy") whilst having no other food to compensate for it, and it hit me so hard that I really struggled to pay the bill and left in a daze, eyes watering, nose running and ears popping, incapable of speech. I stumbled into a bush and was on the brink of vomiting when Ezra fortunately happened to be driving back to the office and picked me up.
The zoo I worked at was the national zoo and is called Zoo Negara. It is a third world zoo, and as the staff repeatedly told me, very understaffed. It was a 2 and a half hour journey from the Zaids' to the zoo so I went and stayed with 6 very nice chaps in an apartment which was only a 25 minute walk away. I was sleeping on the floor without a pillow but it was very good fun.

The joys of Islam

Due to conservative restrictions there was little partying for me in Malaysia, so a lot of the time I would go out with people to mamaks, which are local outside food and drink stalls where people eat cheap local food and drink tea until the early hours of the morning. It is true that I missed bacon and beer, but there were things to fill that hole. For instance, one night, after dinner, I ate 12 chicken wings. Another night, 4 of us went with a very large individual named Azim, whose drivers license happened to have expired a year ago (I very quickly understood why it hadn't been renewed), to a Chinese fish mamak, which is known as "crazy fish" to them. It was absolutely delicious. It also kept with the Chinese tradition of having awful toilets, this time the urinal being a wall. There is a saying in Malaysia which is "jalan jalan chari makan" which basically means walk around looking for food. This became my signature statement, naturally, and a lot of time was spent at the mamaks, which would also play Manchester United games. This was great fun, as Malaysians are passionate followers of the Premier League, and spend all night whooping enthusiastically at the TV screens. What I loved about the mamaks is how nobody needed to be doing any hardcore partying, and everybody was cheery and there was a sort of "bien-vivre" about the whole thing. Amongst other various experiences, I also held an albino Burmese python around my neck at the Batu Caves, went to a hilariously rude stand-up evening, hit the town in a sports tshirt and visited the Petronas Towers. I arose at 6 AM for this and it took me 2 hours to get there, after which I found out that, contrarily to what I had been hold, it was not actually a free visit. I then had to wait another 2 hours in a ridiculous queue that involved being given 3 different tickets. I also went to a Muslim wedding with the family I was staying with. I was unbelievably out of place and it was extremely awkward, particularly when I extended my hand to certain people and was left hanging. This is where Ezra first coined his famous "Don't take it personally, it's a cultural thing" saying.
I also visited Putrajaya, the political metropolis which is a bit out of town and is where the big dogs reside. It's a massive, futuristic-looking place which holds the parliamentary offices. It has two huge mosques, one of which is completely metal, which hold 15000 and 20 000 people inside. In one of these, I met a female imam named Norma who was trying to convert and, as if this would persuade me to join, she told me that it's OK to steal in a time of famine. I therefore contested this, saying that if I had one single sandwich and she took it then I would be left sandwichless and die. We debated for a while but I don't think she understood the sandwich analogy.
Speaking of government, many laws in Malaysia are ridiculous. If your ethnicity is Malay, then you have no choice but to be a Muslim and this is imprinted on your ID card. You will therefore be arrested and/or whipped, and/or jailed if you are caught doing anything un-Muslim. If a Muslim is caught in a dark corner with someone, even if they were just being a bit passionate, they could very well be arrested, humiliated in front of their families and made to marry. Malays joke that it's a great country to be in unless you're a Malay.
Finally, as the house was far out of time I had a lot of spare time, so learnt a breakdance move called the helicopter.

"Don't take it personalky, it's a cultural thing"

I worked for the son of the Zaids, Ezra. Ezra is a fascinating character, who knows everything that one could possibly know about Malaysia (and probably the world). He works for a radio station, BFM, and has his own publishing company, which is fairly revolutionary because it publishes things the government, still on a shaky path of censorship, does not like to hear. He was also the guru who, every time a Malaysian ignored me or did not want anything to do with me, would wisely say these classic words: "Don't take it personally, it's a cultural thing." I did various things in my time working for him. I searched a lot of news stories and read through a few potential publications. Some of the things people send can be really good, but you can also run into the most ridiculous drivel. One story was about a magician named Denzyll, and a djinn named Nigel, his enemy, along with a ghost who "smothered people with her barrage-like breasts". I also helped out at 2 book launches. In the first of these, I was prancing around a mall trying solliciting strangers to come and spectate. I received many frank "no"s. In the second, we were launching a book by a fairly well known ex-communist who had spent a good time imprisoned through censorship called Kassim Ahmad. I helped write Ezra's speech so the deal was that I could write a rap song and rap it to him. I actually did it in the end (what an idiot) and it was highly embarrassing. I do have a humiliating video but here are the lyrics:
Buy it, try it, shelf and scry it
It talks laws, in mighty roars, exposing reprehensible flaws as he opens the doors.
From Russian rev to a great return
He made it through on strength alone
He fights and fights and he'll burn and churn
Till the king once more sits on his throne

Kassim, one dream, boiling so hot that he'll go up in steam
Ahmad, said he's bad, had ups and downs but such a lad
He'll strive fervently 
He'll shout urgently
Taking down the rich
With candour and certainty
He'll pave a path
For the aftermath
Giving them all a stitch
With his mighty staff
Kassim, man of steel who leads the way
But keeps his morals as he bows to pray
And though the future may look grey we ask him to stay cause at the end of the day he's gotta make em pay.

Kassim is now a fervent Islamist (yes, this happened before my rap song).

The Malaysian Invasion (invAsian)

I accidentally booked a very snazzy, comfortable bus to Kuala Lumpur, with TVs and leather seats, for probably less than an economy flight there. Good start. However, the bus dropped me off in a hell on Earth, a vast maze of incomprehensible construction that would plague me again several times during my stay in Malaysia: The 1 Utama Mall. This mall is the 4th biggest in the world and is something like 7 malls in one. So, walking around in this crowded behemoth, sweaty and carrying 30 kgs on my back, I walked around in frustration trying to find shaving cream, a money changer and food/drink for over an hour. Fortunately I found the latter because otherwise I would have faced certain death. I was picked up by Mrs Shamsuddin, who very kindly let me stay in her house for 7 weeks, and instantly found everything in another, far, far smaller mall. It should be said now that KL is just one big mall. They are indeed the main attraction, and in KL and its surrounding Klang Valley, there are over 100 malls. They even have a "Top 20".
The house I stayed in, with the Zaid family, was AMAZING. There was a pool table, with which I spent a good amount of time honing my skils. I was able to try a lot of local cuisine, and it is incredible. There is no porc as it is a Muslim country, so I had a steamy love affair with chicken for 2 months. There is a lot of it in all its various forms and it is delicious. Fish is also very popular, although hard to eat with one hand (explained later). Spice is everywhere, most commonly found in a sort of sauce called sambal. Of course, rice is omnipresent, and in the most popular dishes such as nasi lemak (coconut rice with nuts, egg, chicken and sambal), nasi ayam(chicken rice), nasi goreng(fried rice) and all the various curries. Malays eat with their right hand, which is difficult but the rice and curry tastes much nicer in fact when this is done and you get the hang of it quite quickly. It was harder with meat, so I cheated and used my left hand. Tea is wildly popular, and wildly sugary. It has dollops of sugar, along with powdered milk. Diabetically dangerous, but addictive and delicious. It is called "teh tarik", although for the sake of my fitness I balanced it with "teh o kosong", which means no sugar no milk (it was actually still a little sugary). They use banana leaves as plates, which is quite fun, and a lot of meals revolve around "roti canai", a sort of pancakey bread. I was also introduced to many fruits and vegetables, which did taste rather odd to my unaccustomed mouth. One of them, durian, tasted like cake and smelled very pungent. It's actually banned in public places in Singapore because of the smell.
Of course, with all this curry came many uncomfortable moments in which I was sweating uncontrollably and could not even think because the mouth was so fiery. All part of the fun.