The joys of Islam

Due to conservative restrictions there was little partying for me in Malaysia, so a lot of the time I would go out with people to mamaks, which are local outside food and drink stalls where people eat cheap local food and drink tea until the early hours of the morning. It is true that I missed bacon and beer, but there were things to fill that hole. For instance, one night, after dinner, I ate 12 chicken wings. Another night, 4 of us went with a very large individual named Azim, whose drivers license happened to have expired a year ago (I very quickly understood why it hadn't been renewed), to a Chinese fish mamak, which is known as "crazy fish" to them. It was absolutely delicious. It also kept with the Chinese tradition of having awful toilets, this time the urinal being a wall. There is a saying in Malaysia which is "jalan jalan chari makan" which basically means walk around looking for food. This became my signature statement, naturally, and a lot of time was spent at the mamaks, which would also play Manchester United games. This was great fun, as Malaysians are passionate followers of the Premier League, and spend all night whooping enthusiastically at the TV screens. What I loved about the mamaks is how nobody needed to be doing any hardcore partying, and everybody was cheery and there was a sort of "bien-vivre" about the whole thing. Amongst other various experiences, I also held an albino Burmese python around my neck at the Batu Caves, went to a hilariously rude stand-up evening, hit the town in a sports tshirt and visited the Petronas Towers. I arose at 6 AM for this and it took me 2 hours to get there, after which I found out that, contrarily to what I had been hold, it was not actually a free visit. I then had to wait another 2 hours in a ridiculous queue that involved being given 3 different tickets. I also went to a Muslim wedding with the family I was staying with. I was unbelievably out of place and it was extremely awkward, particularly when I extended my hand to certain people and was left hanging. This is where Ezra first coined his famous "Don't take it personally, it's a cultural thing" saying.
I also visited Putrajaya, the political metropolis which is a bit out of town and is where the big dogs reside. It's a massive, futuristic-looking place which holds the parliamentary offices. It has two huge mosques, one of which is completely metal, which hold 15000 and 20 000 people inside. In one of these, I met a female imam named Norma who was trying to convert and, as if this would persuade me to join, she told me that it's OK to steal in a time of famine. I therefore contested this, saying that if I had one single sandwich and she took it then I would be left sandwichless and die. We debated for a while but I don't think she understood the sandwich analogy.
Speaking of government, many laws in Malaysia are ridiculous. If your ethnicity is Malay, then you have no choice but to be a Muslim and this is imprinted on your ID card. You will therefore be arrested and/or whipped, and/or jailed if you are caught doing anything un-Muslim. If a Muslim is caught in a dark corner with someone, even if they were just being a bit passionate, they could very well be arrested, humiliated in front of their families and made to marry. Malays joke that it's a great country to be in unless you're a Malay.
Finally, as the house was far out of time I had a lot of spare time, so learnt a breakdance move called the helicopter.